Very Important News
Groundbreaking Hazard Screening Tool Broadens Life-Cycle Scope
April 1, 2016
April 1, 2016
Building on the pioneering work of Perkins+Will’s Precautionary List, Cradle to Cradle’s Banned List, and the Living Building Challenge’s Red List, BuildingGreen has finally released its definitive Full Circle Fuchsia List to help assess potentially hazardous materials in building products today, into the future, and beyond.
Developed by a multi-disciplinary team of green building professionals, engineers, software developers, chemists, microbiologists, holistic astrologers, and others, the Full Circle Fuchsia List is based on the precautionary principle and provides a clear list of all possible contaminants used throughout every material’s entire cradle-to-beyond-the-grave life cycle.
Frustrated by the slow pace of change in getting hazardous materials out of our building products and keeping them out forever, Brent Ehrlich, BuildingGreen’s products and materials specialist and a board-certified soothsayer, said, “Our Full Circle List covers all hazardous materials and has a zero-tolerance policy, so you won’t need to worry about regrettable substitutions, unknown plasticizers, and other problematic chemicals in your buildings or in their decaying remains.”
This thoroughness is possible because the Fuchsia List accesses every available and not-yet-available government and regulatory list worldwide to determine all of the chemical hazards during molecule formation, raw material extraction, manufacturing, transportation, installation, use, disposal, and material degradation into the cosmos from whence it came; and includes hazardous airborne pollutants, carcinogens, asthmagens, obesogens, skin sensitizers, volatile organic compounds (VOCs), semivolatile organic compounds (SVOCs), persistent organic pollutants, persistent bioaccumulative toxic chemicals, endocrine disruptors, chemicals of high concern, greenhouse gases, ozone-depleting chemicals, heavy metals, pesticides, herbicides, reproductive and developmental toxicants, aquatic toxicants, neurotoxicants, and certain shades of blue, which—according to astrologers—will be deemed hazardous on June 16, 2024.
Due to the Fuchsia List’s size and complexity, BuildingGreen uses supercomputers at a secret government complex to generate each material’s list. To determine if a chemical is forbidden, users simply type in the chemical’s CAS number, or a product’s list of materials, and a full assessment of all ingredients—including pre- and post-product atomic structures and percentage of dark matter—is generated. (Note: Material assessments using cradle-to-beyond-the-grave methodology have nothing to do with zombies, mostly. For more on this, see the 2012 article “Material Assessment: Planning for Resilience and NOT a Zombie Apocalypse. Seriously, Stop Asking about Zombies!” and the 2014 update “GreenScreen Reverses Course, Adds Zombie Potential to List Translator.”)
Verification, commissioning, and competition?
To determine whether or not the Fuchsia List is functioning as intended, BuildingGreen uses local tarot card readers, numerologists, fortunetellers, and other third-party-certified second-sight seers to provide third-party verification of materials. A team of third-eye-seeing mystics will provide commissioning by performing readings of building auras, with certificates valid in perpetuity.
Not to be outdone, the American Chemistry Council (ACC) released its much-anticipated Gray List of chemicals. Though its list is based on forthcoming updates to the Toxic Substances Control Act, the Gray List is currently blank. “It’s all about end use,” the industry group said in a statement. “Our list is much, much, much easier to use. Clearly, asbestos and other so-called ‘hazardous’ materials aren’t hazardous if you don’t breathe them in. I mean, who does that, anyway!?” A mob of ACC representatives claimed that government regulation would be more effective than a voluntary ban, before inexplicably repeating the words “brains” and “risk assessment” over and over.
ACC representatives could not be reached for comment, as the few remaining non-zombie members were having their skulls analyzed at a Koch Industries-sponsored Phrenology Summit focused on defunding the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency.