April Fools

Public Demonstrations Challenge Company’s Decarbonization Efforts

Decarbonization is the new buzzword in sustainability, but efforts to lower one product’s embodied carbon are being challenged by an increasingly agitated public.

April 1, 2022

joke photo of protestor holding 'no woke beer' sign

Confused demonstrators picket against decarbonization efforts.

Photo: Paul Sableman. License: CC BY 2.0.
Protests continued for a fifth straight day as demonstrators picketed outside the gates of Anheuser-Busch’s flagship brewery in St. Louis, Missouri. The cause? Layoffs? Unequal pay? Unfair labor practices? Nope. The cause was the company’s adoption of its annual sustainability commitments, in which it promised to lower its carbon footprint through a series of decarbonization measures. 

“Our messaging ‘We’re Decarbonizing!’ could have been clearer,” admitted Anheuser-Busch’s marketing director Kay Oss. “Anheuser-Busch continues to meet important environmental commitments, but let me assure our loyal customers that we are not messing with the smooth, smooth refreshing taste of the King of Beers, including Budweiser, Bud Light, Budweiser Select, Budweiser Zero, Budweiser Supreme, and our popular Taco Bell co-branded Budweiser Chalupa.” 

Despite the company’s messaging and one of the strongest brand loyalties among any product sector, football tail-gaiters and other loyal customers have been fleeing the brand, and demonstrations have flared up in the wake of a Tucker Carlson exposé called “Woke Decarbonization,” in which guests testified to the decreasing quality of Budweiser products. One flannelled guest from northwest Wisconsin lamented, “I was at a kegger this spring up at my cousin Ronny’s place—GO PACK—and that beer was as warm and flat as bear piss. It’s a woke, liberal plot!” Strong words, indeed! 

Since the program, protest signs reading “Life is too short to drink bad beer,” “NO WOKE BEER,” and “Flatten This!” accompanied, inexplicably, by a picture of an AK-47, have appeared at Anheuser-Busch factories and distribution centers throughout the U.S. Even politicians have gotten in on the act, with Lauren Boebert tweeting, “God didn’t intended on us to drink bad beer. Its in the constitushun! #wokewieser”

Oss sighed, saying for the umpteenth time that its beers have not changed: “Listen, we are still making the King of Beers, only we want to do so in a way that better supports our neighbors, the community, and the planet.”

To which the crowd chanted, “Go back to China!”

In response to the backlash, Anheuser-Busch was later forced to cancel its sustainability initiatives altogether. To regain customer trust, the company increased emissions from its factories and had a local public housing project razed for good measure.

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April 1, 2022 - 11:58 am

These stories are VERY dark this year. It's as if there really is no hope for the future.

April 1, 2022 - 12:59 pm

Bill, I'm sorry we got a little dark. But I hope you saw the knock-knock jokes. Also, what do you call a fake noodle? :-p

An impasta! Hahaha.