News in Brief

Global Weirding Wonders Why No One Listens To It

With global warming being declared dead as a result of the polar vortex, Global Weirding feels strangely vindicated but also lonesome.

April 1, 2014

Now a pariah, Global Weirding previously had a career as a baseball mascot and was happily married. “I’ve lost everything,” he told EBN. “Except for my convictions.”

Photo: slgckgc on Flickr

With the cold 2013–14 cold winter just confusing the heck out of everyone, Global Weirding was left wondering why it never caught on. “I always said that anthropromorphic climate change wasn’t about evenly increased temperatures everywhere,” it said to no one in particular.

“Rather, the rise in average global temperature is going to lead to unpredictable and uneven changes in long-term climatic patterns. But all it takes is one cold winter, and all people can talk about is how Global Warming isn’t for real.” It added, “I couldn’t agree more, but did they somehow not notice the unprecedented California drought, the massive Midwest tornados, and the annual superstorms up the East Coast?”

“Maybe we should encourage tar sands development to stop the polar vortex,” said Global Weirding, in a mocking tone that went over everyone’s head. Weirding added, “Did people just feel a little uncomfortable saying my name? Ah, forget it.”

Millions of Dollars Back Organization Writing Key Building Standard

In other news, sources close to the organization have revealed that the U.S. Green Building Council (USGBC) is a private nonprofit entity that over the last 20 years has poured millions of dollars in membership dues into financing the LEED rating system for green buildings. In turn, hundreds of municipalities as well as state and federal government agencies have paid modest fees to use that standard to evaluate their building projects.

Upon hearing the revelation, billionaire industrialist Charles Koch made a rare public statement. “I just never imagined that private money could dovetail so well to make the government so much less wasteful,” he said. “If I didn’t hate LEED for its strong environmental stances, I might just have to hold this collaboration up as an example of good government.”

Vinyl Institute Seeking to Remove PVC From Living Building Challenge Red List

At a rally outside the Omega Center for Sustainable Living, one of the first Living Building Challenge-certified projects, representatives for the Vinyl Institute (VI) started gathering signatures in a petition drive to remove PVC from the banned substances, or Red List, for the Challenge. Sources told EBN that if PVC was dethroned as the Red List “bad boy,” the Cyanide Association was ready to step up, feeling miffed at not being included previously.

Bullitt Center Reveals Truth About Bender: “After Meeting the Living Building Challenge, My Life Didn’t Have Purpose”

Although it squeaked by with net-zero energy and water use in its first year of operation, Seattle’s Bullitt Center fell apart in year two, friends revealed to EBN. It started with lights being left on after hours, and dripping faucets, and before you knew it, Bullitt was just hemorrhaging energy all through its curtainwall, according to distressed family members.