April Fools


COVID has upended our lives, homes, and offices. It’s time to fight back with HAMMER brand biocidal antifungal nonviral germicidal disinfectant antimicrobial therapeutic (BANGDAT) sprays, coatings, and composites.

April 1, 2021

As people struggle to return to the office due to concerns over COVID-19, design teams and building owners are looking for solutions to keep occupants safe and healthy. You can never be too careful, so while cleaning protocols, vaccines, and herd immunity may help provide partial protection against our current pandemic, how do you sanitize surfaces against the billions of pathogens that are potentially lurking on every surface in the world around us, ready to lash out when least expected?

HAMMER brand biocidal antifungal nonviral germicidal disinfectant antimicrobial therapeutic (BANGDAT) sprays, coatings, and composites kill all microorganisms on contact, leaving behind a completely sterile environment, just as nature intended. According to HAMMER CEO, big game hunter and former Tampa area breakdance legend Larry “Pop’n’Lock“ Johnson, the key to HAMMER is its use of multimodal BANGDAT technologies that include—but are not limited to—nanosilver, quaternary ammonium compounds (“quats”), copper compounds, formaldehyde, zinc, sodium hypochlorite (bleach), and more.

Preschools with their vulnerable populations are the ideal use for HAMMER brand BANGDAT chemistries.

Photo: HAMMER Industries

Most sustainability professionals caution against the use of antimicrobials, pointing toward evidence that antimicrobials rarely work for their intended use. They harm beneficial microbes, can cause harmful pathogens to mutate, damage aquatic ecosystems, and have unknown long-term environmental impacts; and they are associated with a number of health concerns, including developmental and reproductive problems. Johnson dismissed these, however. “Only the strong survive,“ he said. “You can’t give microbes the upper hand. What’s wrong with you? This is COVID! We’re at war here, people!”

Melody Purewater, outreach specialist at the Copper Alliance, said, “We’re thrilled to be part of the HAMMER brand.” Visibly exhausted from touting the antimicrobial benefits of copper at more than 400 lunch-and-learns, webinars, and workshops over the past year, Purewater automatically added, “The antimicrobial benefits of copper are well documented, and, as a natural metal, copper is the ultimate green building product.” There are significant social and environmental impacts from copper mining, but when pressed about these, she sputtered, “Sustainable … recycling … circular economy.”

Despite the bellyaching of naysayers, Johnson is optimistic for the future of HAMMER, but laments it does not include triclosan, a hormone disruptor banned by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA). Johnson—a former triclosan salesperson for Ciba-Geigy in the 1980s—reminisced, “Ah, the ’80s…those were the days. I was young, limber, fewer animals were extinct, and you could put triclosan in anything…even toothpaste. COVID is bringing it back, baby!”

Clad in blue parachute pants and Copper Fit compression socks, Johnson said, “The building industry is the ideal use for HAMMER. We make coatings for doorknobs and surfaces. We put it in plastics. We put it in paint. Hell, we put that s$#t in everything. Hospital surfaces? BAM! Door handles? BAM? Ceiling tiles? BAM! Carports? BAM! Daycare centers? BAM!” Johnson exclaimed. “COVID is the nail. It’s HAMMER time!”

Not everyone is happy with Johnson, however. Lawyers for MC Hammer, the Natural Resources Defense Council, and the FDA have all served the company with cease-and-desist orders, to which Johnson replied defiantly, “U can’t touch this!”

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April 1, 2021 - 9:06 am

In these dark days we needed someone to give us a wee shake and make us giggle. Thanks go to your writers who spent a good deal of time, no doubt, crafting all these ridiculous stories for April Fool’s Day. I do have a niggling concern, though, that some details may inspire those you sought to lampoon...I am thinking about that presidential library...

April 1, 2021 - 9:20 am

Hadn't thought of that, Anna! If the article comes to a certain person's attention, the environment could be in for trouble.

April 1, 2021 - 10:24 am

Always enjoy the April Fools edition!

April 1, 2021 - 12:28 pm

Must be doing too much too fast these days trying to save the planet. Didn't catch on to this until the 2nd paragraph.

Well done as always.

Might have gotten it from B-Boy Newsy had i read it.

Good way to begin the 2nd half of the day. Yr all terrific!

April 1, 2021 - 8:52 pm

Y'all got me! You had me worried there for a sec...

April 2, 2021 - 9:02 am

Glad you figured it out, Tori!